strength

  • Anger is Your Friend

    Letfuryhavethehour

     

    OK – I know this notion is going to sound crazy to some people.

    See, we have vilified anger for centuries. We have extolled its negative traits and aspects and totally ignored its virtues. We have made it out to be a dangerous, harmful, unwelcome feeling and we have encouraged it to be stifled and suppressed. We have even tied feelings of guilt and shame to a completely normal and healthy emotion – and it is hurting us individually and as a society.

    Anger is normal. I repeat: ANGER IS NORMAL. It is a completely natural reaction to stimuli, just like joy, laughter, and happiness. Unlike joy, laughter, and happiness which result from positive occurrences in life, anger responds to negative and frustrating stimuli.

    The problem is not anger itself, but the fact that the consistent suppression and avoidance of anger has rendered us incapable of PROCESSING and USING this strong and powerful emotion. Instead of recognizing the fact that we can refine and direct our anger toward making positive changes in life, we avoid it all together. People equate anger with violence and explosion – results that absolutely represent our inability as a whole to control and use anger as a catalyst.

    When my anger comes, I want to embrace it! I want to see it as an indication that I feel slighted, hurt, used; I want to see it as an indication that someone or some circumstance is unfair to or threatening me and I want to use it to foster change.

    Now here is the thing – I have to learn to breathe through the explosive, violent, vengeful feelings or thoughts that anger breeds. I have to inhale and exhale mindfully and think of how to best use my anger. I have to be rational and control my urge to lash out – or else I have to find a constructive way to use that urge.

     

    keytoanger

     

    Of course, I can just let it out right away, directing it precisely at its intended target. Maybe that is the key we are missing in working with anger: Conscious and deliberate, CALM, rational, and focused expression toward the person who caused the anger to begin with.

    Let’s say that again… Conscious and deliberate, calm, rational, and focused expression of anger and frustration toward the person who caused the discomfort to begin with.

    This means talking to the people who brought us to the point of a tissy in the first place – quickly – not exploding, NOT SHOVING THE EMOTION DOWN.

    When we suppress and repress our natural feelings, we create an unhealthy environment inside and outside of ourselves. Our relationships suffer. We project our anger onto innocent bystanders, like our children or the goshdarned telemarketers.

    It is the equivalent of filling up a cave inside ourselves with a whole bunch of explosive emotion, and add to that scattered pieces of guilt, frustration, negative energy. Every time we think about the person or the situation tied to our anger, it just throws more tinder and explosives into the cave. Every time we think about the frustrations linked to the situation that made us mad to begin with not only causes a little explosion inside, but also loads in more shrapnel and ammunition and booby traps of shit feelings and even more anger.

    THAT is what makes anger dangerous, really – well, aside from not learning how to constructively deal with it in the first place.

    You see, when we have that cave full of explosive feeling and all kinds of scattered and sharp emotions that we keep adding to, and we finally get either to the point of dealing with it or it gets ignited because it is just too full… well, you can see how that would turn ugly quick.

    Releasing explosive, angry, pent up emotion without any skill in expressing or venting it can get violent. It can get loud. It can get scary. It can be directed at the wrong people.

    Continuing to shove it down can quietly eat a person alive from the inside out by continuing to blaze within – never being released, causing internal damage.

    Unexpressed anger and frustration has been shown to link to a variety of illnesses, including liver disease, digestive disorders, TMJ, heart disease, depression, cancer, suicide, addictive behaviors, and a host of other issues. (http://stevencohenphd.com/anger.htmhttp://stress.about.com/od/stresshealth/a/anger_problems.htm)

    It is well documented that pent up exasperation and rage hurt the person holding onto these kinds of feelings.

    So why hold onto anger and frustration at all? Why not recognize the power of negative emotions and learn how to use it constructively?

    Just think about it for a moment. Fire can be a destructive force, or it can be a useful force – the same with explosions! An explosion can destroy a car or it can propel a car. Anger can hurt everyone around you – including yourself – or it can be used as a tool for refining your life.

    I know which I would prefer…

    If you need help with transforming your anger and frustration into positive catalysts for life change or help with expressing it productively, click here to schedule an appointment!

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  • The NICE Doormat – Forget that noise!

    I'm NOTaDoormat!

    Are you letting other people step all over you so that you can be the “nice one”? Cut that out! Really!

    This is one thing that I know from TONS of experience!

    You decide – from the kindness of your heart – that you are just going to give up your rights to things like gas money, payback for a loan, costs for replacing something someone else destroyed, child support, rent from a relative, your rights – all because you just want to be nice and you don’t really want to cause ripples.

    That whole ripple causing thing totally sucks. Standing up for yourself can be really uncomfortable – especially if you are not used to doing it.

    Oh yeah. I know. I did this soooo many times.

    • I let my daughter’s father off the hook for more than $20,000 in child support because – well because I didn’t want to make an issue of it and I made the decision to keep my daughter and raise her. He didn’t want to pay me even though he wanted to be the first one to make plans to see her and take her away for visitation every. single. time. we visited Indiana, where he and most of my family live. Oh yeah. If I didn’t call him the day we landed he would go bananas.
    • I let unmentioned people off of thousands of dollars of debt toward me because I felt that they needed it worse than I did – only to have them hem, haw, and drag their feet when my situation shifted and I actually NEEDED the dough.
    • I let people off of  paying me for my services even though they had made the promise to pay me or to advertise for me.
    • I let people off for missing repeated appointment times with me or being late or just plain old screwing me over for time because I didn’t want to make a fuss.

    And you know what? That stuff ticks me off soooo bad – SO BAD! I am fuming just thinking about it! And that is why I don’t allow it anymore.

    If you are anything like me – and I bet you are because you are here reading about how to find strength in your sensitivity, then I bet you have played the NICE DOORMAT many, many times in your life.

    I bet you are just as fed up and as frustrated with it as I was – but you aren’t sure that you really want to put your own needs forward because that would require potentially making some serious waves – we are talking hang-ten, surfer paradise, giant waves – maybe even tsunamis- and you don’t want to rock the boat even a little.

    Well, guess what Sunshine, that person who is walking all over you probably ain’t gonna stop until you stand yourself up and start taking care of your own needs.

    That is what this is about: Making sure that your needs get taken care of, too.

    Sure, you can be a nice guy and say, “oh, don’t bother… just forget I asked… well, I know it is difficult for you right now…”

    But let me ask you some questions…

    • When is it your turn?
    • When are you going to take care of yourself?
    • Will you continue to set your needs aside for the needs of others?
    • Are you waiting for Karma to hand you a nice little present for all of your goodness?

    Not to poke at Karma at all, because Karma knows that you are a really nice person to begin with. Karma also knows that the butthead that is walking all over you is a butthead. A little Karma isn’t going to stop that person from taking every ounce of advantage of you possible while you are so busy being nice.

    Let me ask you another question. How does all that being nice really feel deep down in your belly? Does it feel good and happy (if so, then you probably don’t need to read any further) – or does it make you feel like beating melons with sledgehammers or freaking crying yourself a river and floating away? I have a feeling I know the answer to that question.

     

    angrywoman

     

    You see, being nice at your own expense doesn’t make you feel good. It doesn’t win you any Karmic brownie points. It certainly doesn’t make people respect you.

    What it does is freaking makes you push all of that sadness, all of that anger, guilt, frustration, incredulousness toward the way you are being treated down deep into your belly. It can make you think less of yourself. It can make you disrespect yourself – that disrespect shows and is the starting point for how others treat you. It can make you SICK.

    It certainly doesn’t serve you.

    And you can AVOID this all together!!! Seriously.

    Let me give you a totally awesome secret to dealing with this.

    I am going to ask you another question:

    What would you tell your best friend to do if he or she were in your shoes?

    shoes

    What would your advice to someone you love be about how to handle what you, yourself are going through?

    • Would you tell your bestie to just leave it and move on, or would you tell him to get up and slug it out?
    • Would you tell her that she has rights too that she needs to stand up for, or would you tell her to just deal with it and move on?
    • Would you tell him to go after what is legally or morally his, or would you tell him to just forget it?
    • Would you tell her to just pay all that extra cash for someone else’s… (bill, rent, outfit, mistake), or would you tell her that she needs to figure out a way to get her money back or paid in the first place.
    • Would you tell your friend to get paid for her services, or would you encourage her to continue to give freebies and let people off for the money they owe her?

    See, I KNOW Sensitive Souls! I KNOW that you would be totally, 100% encouraging your friends to stand up for themselves and their rights.

    So why don’t you do that for yourself? Why don’t you take your own good advice and run with it?

    Listen, I have gone through this exact. same. situation. one too many times, and that is one of the reasons I started this Strength for Sensitive Souls program. I know exactly what you are going through – how you just want to be the nice person and not create such a fuss.

    But seriously. The doormat schpiel costs you money, time, health, self-esteem!!

    If you need help with a situation like this, let me know. I am here for you. I will help you take your own good advice. I won’t let you just lay there while other people walk all over you.

    Let me help you pick yourself up and realize your worth and the value of your needs as well.

    Wanna talk? Just fill out my Contact Form and we will arrange a mutually convenient time to start your Strength for Sensitive Souls Training!

     

    Mat photo ©odolphie
    Shoes photo ©Luz Adriana Villa

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