strength for sensitive souls

  • The Reality of Saying NO

    RealityofNO

     

    What will happen if I say, NO!?

    I want to talk to you today about the reality of saying NO. If you are anything like me, you are thinking, “BWAH! Saying NO is better in theory than it is in practice!”

    Despite the fact that saying NO can help you to draw your proverbial lines in the sand and create necessary borders, it. is. hard. to. do.

    You know that – you’re a Sensitive Soul.

    When you say NO when you mean NO, there is usually kick-back. People who you had been bending over backward to please don’t get their satisfaction. Their mouths gape open and they look at you like you’ve gone insane.

    Didyousaynotome

    Or they shun you. Or they leave. Or they punish you for standing your ground.

    You see, we’ve been taught never to take no for an answer. We’ve been taught, “if at first you don’t succeed, try again.”

    And that makes it doubly difficult to stand behind saying no to something that you don’t want to do.

    For example, I will be very honest and say that I do NOT like teaching kids English in groups. I’ve worked in a middle school setting and I’ve worked with a small group of 2nd graders before – and I hated it. I dreaded going into work. I wanted to cry before the group sessions. Fifteen-year-olds cursed me out in class. I couldn’t keep the second graders under control – they were doing somersaults and cartwheels in class – even the kid I put in the corner ended up with a garbage can on his head, banging it against the wall… LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! It was horrible.

    When the time came to renew my contracts – as you can imagine – I said NO.

    I said no to the moms who asked me to teach groups with their kids in them.

    But no one will take my no for an answer.

    They try to get some angle that will get me back into the classroom, back into my own personal version of hell – and I ain’t gonna have it!

    And they are angry.

    So, the result of my standing in my authentic desire is to be pushed a little outside of the social circle by the moms who want me to teach their kids. It sucks.

    When a Sensitive Soul says NO, s/he faces that “Damned if you do, damned if you don’t” type of situation.

    But a Sensitive Soul, just like anyone else – maybe even MORE than anyone else – needs to learn to do it.

    Saying NO might not feel comfy or keep people in your life, but it is necessary for you AND it lets you know who the right people in your life are (those who will still love you after you’ve said no to them).

    Here’s to the NOs in your life! I hope they come easily – or that you learn to accept the aftermath like I have. (mostly)
    Sue Ellis-Saller

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  • Money Mindset March

    MoneyMindset
    Queen of Earth Card from Doreen Virtue and Radleigh Valentine’s Angel Tarot deck.

     

    Think about it: what separates a business from a hobby? Money.

    If you don’t have a great money mindset in place, it doesn’t really matter how you market your business, how many clients you try to woo, how much great content you put out there. It won’t pay because you will either consciously or subconsciously block it from paying.

    Simple. As. That.

    And many of us Sensitive Souls, Earth Angels, and Light Workers who are trying to build businesses have some major money blockages in place.

    Some of us:

    • Don’t truly feel we should be paid for our gifts
    • Discount our services constantly
    • Offer super cheap readings/services (like not worth your time in the first place cheap)
    • Give more than one freebie to a fan who hasn’t paid for a service
    • Cave when we are asked for a freebie
    • Expect freebies at every turn in our own life (money constipation)
    • Turn away money for services offered
    • and etc.

    That is not the way to run a business.

    The majority of these habits stem from a poor money mindset.

    As spiritual people, many of us have been taught that money is somehow unholy. Taking money for our services is bad. Wanting to create loads of wealth for ourselves is greedy. Money is the devil.

    It’s. Time. To. Stop. thinking like that.

    Money is neutral. Money can do many wonderful things for people and the environment. Putting money into the hands of spiritual, earth conscious, caring people can only help us – one and all!

    During March, I am going to be working to help you resolve some of these money mindset issues. I’ll be asking you to do some soul-searching, and I will be recommending books to read and exercises to do that should help you to bust through some of your blockages.

    Your assignment today is to think about MONEY!!

    What does money mean to you? How do you feel when you think about it? How do you feel about wanting money? How do you feel about people who have money? Who are rich? Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments below!

    And, if you would like to get an email with the daily March Money Mindset information included, then fill out the form below.

    Let’s do this!

    Sign up here to change your Money Mindset

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  • My Boundaries, My Responsibility

     

    defineboundaries

    Hold. The. Phone.

    This concept is HUGE!

    You have to define your boundaries for others to know what they are. HOLY COW!

    See, many of us Sensitive Souls have been walking around with our giving natures and generous hearts and not-at-all-well-defined boundaries… and then WE get frustrated from all of the taking that we allowed and often encouraged in the first place. We think that others are quite aware of boundaries because WE are subconsciously super-aware of them.

    Hmmmm…

    (I do this myself, so no judgment from me! I am just sharing my epiphany from this morning with y’all!)

    The people who we  interact with see our souls – they see that we are generous, that we were kind, and that we care for others. And they like that. They like the fact that we are generous – and that we are so quick to share with them. It’s part of their attraction to us.

    And we like the fact that we are generous and giving as well. Totally. We see it as a positive characteristic – well, I know I do… up to a point, that is!

    Where the issue arises  is often where the fence should have been posted – or 50 miles after that! You see, many Sensitive Souls say YES when they mean NO. We give in order to stop another person from hurting – even when we are aware that our generosity will hurt us. We have boundary issues.  Major boundary issues.

    And we need to learn to say NO! and honor our own needs, instead of getting frustrated when we are just so tired of giving to the same people over and over again. We need to create and enforce boundaries that protect us from others – and from ourselves!

    We also need to be prepared to allow relationships to evolve – or even fall away – as we learn to honor and implement our boundaries.

    I know that is one of the reasons we hesitate to create firm boundaries to begin with – because we fear losing the people we care the most for – BUT we have to be willing to allow ourselves to see our relationships as they are – how they serve others and how they serve us. Our needs have to be a part of the equation, too.

    And in order to make sure that our own obligations and desires are honored, we Sensitive Souls have to establish firm boundaries.

    And it’s HARD!! Oh dear Lord, is it hard!

    But it is necessary. And it does get easier with practice.

    Despite what we might think/hope/pray, other people just aren’t going to know where our pleasure stops and our pain begins until we tell them. We have to be willing to let them know our limitations so that they can 1) understand that we HAVE boundaries to begin with and 2) heed them. If they don’t know where our boundaries lie, of course they will step all over them. It’s our responsibility to point them out.

    We can’t deny all of our rights and even our needs in order to please others. It just doesn’t work. Well, let’s say it might work for others, but it certainly doesn’t work for us.

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  • The Ickyness of Assertiveness – DO NOT CAVE IN!

    Man oh man, it can be so difficult to stick with the boundaries you’ve created – especially if you are a Sensitive Soul, Earth Angel, or Lightworker – because enforcing those boundaries can totally suck.

    Really. You might doubt yourself, your motives, your worth. You’ll likely think, “Who am I to want/desire/deserve all of this that I have created for myself?” and “I am being such an awful, mean, horrible, greedy bitch.”

    And others might actually TELL you that you are horrible, rotten, unfair, unworthy, mean… etc. They will question WHY and IF you actually need your resources for yourself, and they will try to make you feel like crap for restricting their access to your stuff!

    Close friends, lovers, relatives, longtime business partners who know you well will totally know which buttons to push and how to make you feel guiltiest about putting yourself first – it is an unfortunate truth. This is because they KNOW your kind soul and your deepest and most secret thoughts about your self-worth, they have a history with you, and they know exactly how to pull your strings to get you to give in.

    EnforcingBoundaries

     

    Others – people in the fringes of your life – will continue to poke and pester you for the freebies, time, volunteering, work that you normally would have “generously donated” to them because they didn’t understand what an imposition on your time and energy their requests were or they simply didn’t care.

    You, my dear, are going to have to be FIRM. You will have to uphold your boundaries and RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO GIVE IN!

    And standing unwaveringly in the face of guilt inducing or even hostile opposition can be soooooo hard!

    I’ll tell you that the feelings you have might about enforcing your boundaries will range from uncomfortable to downright unbearably painful! Putting yourself first is likely WAY outside of your comfort zone. That’s why you are here, isn’t it?

    Historically speaking, you might have worked to avoid confrontation at all costs. You might have been willing to continuously give everything you had to others so that they didn’t have to be uncomfortable. You might have been easily finagled into a YES when you really meant NO. You might have been known for caving.

    Now all that is changing. Now you are willing to say NO when you mean NO. Now you are willing to recognize your totally legitimate right to your fair slice of the pie! Those changes might throw others off and they will need to adjust.

    Change can be uncomfortable – and changing your behavior in a way that affects others can be really uncomfortable. Remember that as you firmly and consciously defend your boundaries. Everyone in your life will eventually adjust – and those who don’t might not need to be in your life to begin with.

    Need some support while you are creating and upholding your boundaries? I can help! Schedule an Everything You Need session, and get advice and support from all angles! Click here for details!

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  • The NICE Doormat – Forget that noise!

    I'm NOTaDoormat!

    Are you letting other people step all over you so that you can be the “nice one”? Cut that out! Really!

    This is one thing that I know from TONS of experience!

    You decide – from the kindness of your heart – that you are just going to give up your rights to things like gas money, payback for a loan, costs for replacing something someone else destroyed, child support, rent from a relative, your rights – all because you just want to be nice and you don’t really want to cause ripples.

    That whole ripple causing thing totally sucks. Standing up for yourself can be really uncomfortable – especially if you are not used to doing it.

    Oh yeah. I know. I did this soooo many times.

    • I let my daughter’s father off the hook for more than $20,000 in child support because – well because I didn’t want to make an issue of it and I made the decision to keep my daughter and raise her. He didn’t want to pay me even though he wanted to be the first one to make plans to see her and take her away for visitation every. single. time. we visited Indiana, where he and most of my family live. Oh yeah. If I didn’t call him the day we landed he would go bananas.
    • I let unmentioned people off of thousands of dollars of debt toward me because I felt that they needed it worse than I did – only to have them hem, haw, and drag their feet when my situation shifted and I actually NEEDED the dough.
    • I let people off of  paying me for my services even though they had made the promise to pay me or to advertise for me.
    • I let people off for missing repeated appointment times with me or being late or just plain old screwing me over for time because I didn’t want to make a fuss.

    And you know what? That stuff ticks me off soooo bad – SO BAD! I am fuming just thinking about it! And that is why I don’t allow it anymore.

    If you are anything like me – and I bet you are because you are here reading about how to find strength in your sensitivity, then I bet you have played the NICE DOORMAT many, many times in your life.

    I bet you are just as fed up and as frustrated with it as I was – but you aren’t sure that you really want to put your own needs forward because that would require potentially making some serious waves – we are talking hang-ten, surfer paradise, giant waves – maybe even tsunamis- and you don’t want to rock the boat even a little.

    Well, guess what Sunshine, that person who is walking all over you probably ain’t gonna stop until you stand yourself up and start taking care of your own needs.

    That is what this is about: Making sure that your needs get taken care of, too.

    Sure, you can be a nice guy and say, “oh, don’t bother… just forget I asked… well, I know it is difficult for you right now…”

    But let me ask you some questions…

    • When is it your turn?
    • When are you going to take care of yourself?
    • Will you continue to set your needs aside for the needs of others?
    • Are you waiting for Karma to hand you a nice little present for all of your goodness?

    Not to poke at Karma at all, because Karma knows that you are a really nice person to begin with. Karma also knows that the butthead that is walking all over you is a butthead. A little Karma isn’t going to stop that person from taking every ounce of advantage of you possible while you are so busy being nice.

    Let me ask you another question. How does all that being nice really feel deep down in your belly? Does it feel good and happy (if so, then you probably don’t need to read any further) – or does it make you feel like beating melons with sledgehammers or freaking crying yourself a river and floating away? I have a feeling I know the answer to that question.

     

    angrywoman

     

    You see, being nice at your own expense doesn’t make you feel good. It doesn’t win you any Karmic brownie points. It certainly doesn’t make people respect you.

    What it does is freaking makes you push all of that sadness, all of that anger, guilt, frustration, incredulousness toward the way you are being treated down deep into your belly. It can make you think less of yourself. It can make you disrespect yourself – that disrespect shows and is the starting point for how others treat you. It can make you SICK.

    It certainly doesn’t serve you.

    And you can AVOID this all together!!! Seriously.

    Let me give you a totally awesome secret to dealing with this.

    I am going to ask you another question:

    What would you tell your best friend to do if he or she were in your shoes?

    shoes

    What would your advice to someone you love be about how to handle what you, yourself are going through?

    • Would you tell your bestie to just leave it and move on, or would you tell him to get up and slug it out?
    • Would you tell her that she has rights too that she needs to stand up for, or would you tell her to just deal with it and move on?
    • Would you tell him to go after what is legally or morally his, or would you tell him to just forget it?
    • Would you tell her to just pay all that extra cash for someone else’s… (bill, rent, outfit, mistake), or would you tell her that she needs to figure out a way to get her money back or paid in the first place.
    • Would you tell your friend to get paid for her services, or would you encourage her to continue to give freebies and let people off for the money they owe her?

    See, I KNOW Sensitive Souls! I KNOW that you would be totally, 100% encouraging your friends to stand up for themselves and their rights.

    So why don’t you do that for yourself? Why don’t you take your own good advice and run with it?

    Listen, I have gone through this exact. same. situation. one too many times, and that is one of the reasons I started this Strength for Sensitive Souls program. I know exactly what you are going through – how you just want to be the nice person and not create such a fuss.

    But seriously. The doormat schpiel costs you money, time, health, self-esteem!!

    If you need help with a situation like this, let me know. I am here for you. I will help you take your own good advice. I won’t let you just lay there while other people walk all over you.

    Let me help you pick yourself up and realize your worth and the value of your needs as well.

    Wanna talk? Just fill out my Contact Form and we will arrange a mutually convenient time to start your Strength for Sensitive Souls Training!

     

    Mat photo ©odolphie
    Shoes photo ©Luz Adriana Villa

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