How do you forgive?
Before I pulled today’s cards, I was thinking about the holiday season and how it can drudge up deeply seated emotions from your childhood that were stuffed back down with last year’s champagne and turkey and have been fermenting, literally, for years.
Even the best families have issues. And the ones that aren’t the best – well, they have problems.
We’ll say that I come from one of the families that had problems. I’m still working on sorting out all of the BLEH related to everything. Just when I think I’ve dealt with everything and stuck things into their neat little “I’ve grown from this experience” cubbyholes, something pops off of the shelf, so to speak, and makes me examine it again.
For example, I’ve been grappling with my dad’s alcoholism and the fact that he was a very gruff, critical man for most of my life. His taunts and disapproval affected me to the core. He didn’t show me much love – he loved my children – but me, nah. I didn’t feel it.
One of the last times I saw him – he passed 5 years ago, I was 7 months pregnant. We were all playing in the backyard, and he called to me, “Hey, Moose! Get over here and ….” He’d always, always made negative comments about my body and my size.
And the thing I remember him saying to me most was, “Goddamnit, Suzy!” “Sit down, you are making me nervous! My BIG, german shepherd who is growling and bearing her teeth at your crawling baby won’t bite him!” “Goddamnit, Suzy. Why didn’t you…”
“GodDAMNIT, Suzy!” was actually the last thing he said to me before he died.
He didn’t read to me. He didn’t help me with my homework. He didn’t take an evening to go to a parent-teacher conference. He didn’t send a card when I graduated from college….
He was at the bar most of my childhood and was usually hung over if he bothered to pick us up for our Sunday visits. After he got clean and sober (which he was for 25+ years and I do respect that he tried after that – but his personality just wasn’t tender and loving, that is for sure…) He spent many of his holidays with his Alcoholics Anonymous family as the priority in his day, then us as kind of an afterthought (at least that’s how it felt to me).
It hurt then and it hurts now, quite honestly.
And this morning, I was thinking about it. I was thinking about forgiveness – rolling that thought over and over again – examining it, wondering if it was necessary.
After all, I thought, my childhood made me who I am today, and I genuinely, truly like most of who I am. Would I be the same if I had a better childhood?
Do I need to forgive him? Do I need to put this behind me and move on?
And then these cards came up in my daily reading. Kind of a sign from the Universe, huh?
The thought for today? Realize what you need to release. It’s really time to move on. What you are holding onto might be creating a HUGE energetic blockage. Deal with it, clear it out and allow yourself to be free.
I know that I’ll revisit these thoughts – there isn’t any doubt about that. But, I think I got a big sign that it’s time to spread forgiveness on this wound, wrap it up tight with self-love, and work on healing my energy.
If you need some extra shielding during the holiday season, you can listen to my Grounding and Shielding meditation. It’s my free gift to you. Click here to go to the recording.
With blessings and light~