boundaries

  • My Boundaries, My Responsibility

     

    defineboundaries

    Hold. The. Phone.

    This concept is HUGE!

    You have to define your boundaries for others to know what they are. HOLY COW!

    See, many of us Sensitive Souls have been walking around with our giving natures and generous hearts and not-at-all-well-defined boundaries… and then WE get frustrated from all of the taking that we allowed and often encouraged in the first place. We think that others are quite aware of boundaries because WE are subconsciously super-aware of them.

    Hmmmm…

    (I do this myself, so no judgment from me! I am just sharing my epiphany from this morning with y’all!)

    The people who we  interact with see our souls – they see that we are generous, that we were kind, and that we care for others. And they like that. They like the fact that we are generous – and that we are so quick to share with them. It’s part of their attraction to us.

    And we like the fact that we are generous and giving as well. Totally. We see it as a positive characteristic – well, I know I do… up to a point, that is!

    Where the issue arises  is often where the fence should have been posted – or 50 miles after that! You see, many Sensitive Souls say YES when they mean NO. We give in order to stop another person from hurting – even when we are aware that our generosity will hurt us. We have boundary issues.  Major boundary issues.

    And we need to learn to say NO! and honor our own needs, instead of getting frustrated when we are just so tired of giving to the same people over and over again. We need to create and enforce boundaries that protect us from others – and from ourselves!

    We also need to be prepared to allow relationships to evolve – or even fall away – as we learn to honor and implement our boundaries.

    I know that is one of the reasons we hesitate to create firm boundaries to begin with – because we fear losing the people we care the most for – BUT we have to be willing to allow ourselves to see our relationships as they are – how they serve others and how they serve us. Our needs have to be a part of the equation, too.

    And in order to make sure that our own obligations and desires are honored, we Sensitive Souls have to establish firm boundaries.

    And it’s HARD!! Oh dear Lord, is it hard!

    But it is necessary. And it does get easier with practice.

    Despite what we might think/hope/pray, other people just aren’t going to know where our pleasure stops and our pain begins until we tell them. We have to be willing to let them know our limitations so that they can 1) understand that we HAVE boundaries to begin with and 2) heed them. If they don’t know where our boundaries lie, of course they will step all over them. It’s our responsibility to point them out.

    We can’t deny all of our rights and even our needs in order to please others. It just doesn’t work. Well, let’s say it might work for others, but it certainly doesn’t work for us.

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  • The Ickyness of Assertiveness – DO NOT CAVE IN!

    Man oh man, it can be so difficult to stick with the boundaries you’ve created – especially if you are a Sensitive Soul, Earth Angel, or Lightworker – because enforcing those boundaries can totally suck.

    Really. You might doubt yourself, your motives, your worth. You’ll likely think, “Who am I to want/desire/deserve all of this that I have created for myself?” and “I am being such an awful, mean, horrible, greedy bitch.”

    And others might actually TELL you that you are horrible, rotten, unfair, unworthy, mean… etc. They will question WHY and IF you actually need your resources for yourself, and they will try to make you feel like crap for restricting their access to your stuff!

    Close friends, lovers, relatives, longtime business partners who know you well will totally know which buttons to push and how to make you feel guiltiest about putting yourself first – it is an unfortunate truth. This is because they KNOW your kind soul and your deepest and most secret thoughts about your self-worth, they have a history with you, and they know exactly how to pull your strings to get you to give in.

    EnforcingBoundaries

     

    Others – people in the fringes of your life – will continue to poke and pester you for the freebies, time, volunteering, work that you normally would have “generously donated” to them because they didn’t understand what an imposition on your time and energy their requests were or they simply didn’t care.

    You, my dear, are going to have to be FIRM. You will have to uphold your boundaries and RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO GIVE IN!

    And standing unwaveringly in the face of guilt inducing or even hostile opposition can be soooooo hard!

    I’ll tell you that the feelings you have might about enforcing your boundaries will range from uncomfortable to downright unbearably painful! Putting yourself first is likely WAY outside of your comfort zone. That’s why you are here, isn’t it?

    Historically speaking, you might have worked to avoid confrontation at all costs. You might have been willing to continuously give everything you had to others so that they didn’t have to be uncomfortable. You might have been easily finagled into a YES when you really meant NO. You might have been known for caving.

    Now all that is changing. Now you are willing to say NO when you mean NO. Now you are willing to recognize your totally legitimate right to your fair slice of the pie! Those changes might throw others off and they will need to adjust.

    Change can be uncomfortable – and changing your behavior in a way that affects others can be really uncomfortable. Remember that as you firmly and consciously defend your boundaries. Everyone in your life will eventually adjust – and those who don’t might not need to be in your life to begin with.

    Need some support while you are creating and upholding your boundaries? I can help! Schedule an Everything You Need session, and get advice and support from all angles! Click here for details!

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