I was doing a reading last night that really brought to light how the games we are taught to play create confusion and conflict in our love lives.
We all know the story. Girl meets boy. Girl likes boy. Girl acts like she doesn’t like boy. Boy doesn’t call anymore. Girl gets upset when boy doesn’t call. Girl calls tarot reader to find out why he didn’t call.
Why didn’t he call? Because she played herself. He didn’t think she liked him (or thought she was a player), so he moved on…
It’s sad, really, how women are taught to hide their feelings – to act contrary to them, as a matter of fact – like men don’t want to feel liked and respected. And then we wonder why men think we are complicated.
We’re taught to flee because “men like a chase.” We’re taught to be silent because “men like silent women.” We’re taught that men want to be rejected – that it makes them want us more somehow. We are taught to ask for crumbs when we actually want the world handed to us on a platter.
I wonder what would have happened if that girl would have been real with herself and with him. I wonder if he would have called her more often and showed up if she revealed how she truly felt.
The funny thing is that the cards that came up in the reading advised her to take the initiative, to be confident in herself and show the fiery Goddess that she was. She said NO WAY!
Hm. As a reader and advisor, what can I do to help at that point?
I don’t believe in forcing my advice or opinion on a client. The people I work with have their own free will and I expect them to use it!
BUT – I will advise that a client steps back from the issue for a while, instead of reading about everyone around the person who isn’t calling. I’ll even tell the client to chill for a few weeks to see what happens and then call me back.
I advise that the person takes some time to get in touch with her self-love. I advise that she asks herself what she is looking for and becomes that. I advise her to try to move on, because if she doesn’t feel like she can be authentic with the person she likes, she shouldn’t be with that person to begin with.
You see, love is this great big brilliant messy thing. Real love accepts faults and failings – and celebrates a person’s best characteristics and real feelings.
Love isn’t about hiding who you are and what you feel because you think that will get you who and what you want. Share This on Twitter
If who and what you want doesn’t respect who you truly are and what you truly desire, then it isn’t love.
When I first started dating my hubby, the book, The Rules was super popular. The book was basically a dating manual for women who wanted to get married. It taught women how to play games.
I will admit that some of The Rules are golden:
Don’t date a married man.
Don’t expect a man to change or try to change him.
Don’t rush into sex.
Don’t accept a Saturday date after Wednesday. (I like this one, because it means you aren’t an afterthought and that the guy respects your time.)
Others, though, are all about playing games:
Don’t call him.
Don’t meet him halfway or go Dutch on a date.
Don’t talk to a man first.
Always end the phone call (After 10-15 minutes. Set a timer to make sure.)
Don’t talk much on dates – allow him to dominate the conversation.
Although some women swear by these rules, I don’t think they empower a woman – ULTIMATELY (because they do in some ways, but they don’t in others).
Empowerment is learning to express yourself and your feelings. If you aren’t communicating your real feelings, you are not creating a real relationship.
Funnily enough, I broke many of the rules when my husband and I were dating. I called him. I asked him if he wanted to go out sometimes. I actually started conversations with him. I was real and honest. BUT – he wasn’t supposed to stay around. He lived in Germany and I lived in Arizona, and so I thought we’d just have a fling and I could say what I wanted and be myself. He ended up liking who I really was – and I liked who he was, too – our AUTHENTIC SELVES. As they say, the rest is history!
To be honest, though, authenticity isn’t easy and it can make a girl step outside of her comfort zone. It’s a practice that has to be maintained.
Like this Valentine’s Day, I played myself. I would have liked to have at least a card or SOMETHING, but I said, “Oh, I don’t need anything. You really don’t have to…” When I didn’t get anything, I was pretty bummed – but it was my own damn fault. Next year, I’m owning my desires. I’ll be telling my hubby that I want a Valentine’s Day gift.
The best advice, I think, is to just be yourself. If you like someone, act like it. Don’t fall over yourself to be with him/her and don’t disrespect yourself to get someone.
Go with the flow. Be authentic. ASK. Express yourself. It’s the best way to get what you truly desire from a partner.